Changes and Growth

So you have heard about our lovely dining experience, the rest of today was pleasant. We played down at the playground some more. It is going to be so hard to go home to cold weather from here. Not that that is enough motivation for me to consider staying for even a moment, no way! I am so looking forward to being home! I am glad, however, that Elijah has a playset coming for inside the house. Thanks, friends for the gift!

Elijah continues to grow more comfortable, more animated, more relaxed. I have heard from parents with kids who are in school that they frequently hear from the teacher that they are model students who never talk back, pleasant and cooperative. This sometimes surprises the parents. It may be that their extremely talkative child at home is reported to be silent in school. I wonder if it does not come from the level of order and discipline needed to keep chaos from reigning with a large group of children. Many of the children have to hold themselves in check to keep from getting into trouble. Some of these children also keep to themselves because of their personality; they are just too shy in a public setting to really shine. I don't think the children in orphanages ever really get to relax and be themselves. I frequently hear that children adopted from orphanages do not act at all like the description they got from the orphanage. The orphanage reports they are shy and quiet, but the parents get to know a vivacious, outgoing child. I wonder if there isn’t just a freedom that is good for children that comes from being within the safety, the protection, the love of a family that allows them to completely relax and be who they were created to be. Now I am not condemning orphanages. In fact, I wonder if they aren’t actually preferable to the developmental needs of children rather than our country’s foster care system that is so disruptive and destructive to the development of attachment and bonding with multiple placements, but that is another essay for another day.

It has been interesting to observe some of Elijah’s behaviors that were obviously trained into him by the orphanage. It has also been fun to watch him learn new behaviors that demonstrate freedom. When he first came to us, he was completely passive at mealtimes. He would let me spoon things into his mouth but refused to feed himself. It was like he did not know how. I would give him his sippy cup, and he would hand it back, open his mouth, and wait for me to help him drink. He had been taught to be passive to make it easier for them. Yesterday he fed himself his entire breakfast (liquid yogurt through a straw, a sliced banana, a boiled egg, and a whole lot of strawberry covered Cheerios.) When we change his diaper, he was very passive; now he rolls and giggles and plays. Maybe passive in that case was better. After he is changed, he just lays there. He doesn’t get up to carry on. I’m not sure what that was all about, but I ‘m sure he was taught to stay where he was placed. We just keep inviting him to go on. We want him to learn to live within the freedom we can afford.

If you really think about it, we do the same thing with God. He sets limits for us, because within those limits is freedom. There is safety if we stay within the behavioral boundaries God has set for us. But how often does God give us freedom and invite us to do something, but we just sit there and don’t move? How often do we remain passive waiting for God to do it for us, when he is inviting us to participate and carry on. There is great joy to be found within the freedom given to us by God.

Another thing that has been very interesting to watch has been how Greg has responded to being Elijah’s rock of safety during this transition. It has been hard for me, since as many of you know, I absolutely love little ones and generally am pretty good with caring for them and being able to comfort them. Working in the toddler room Sunday mornings gives me a lot of opportunities to be with this age group and help settle a whole lot of upset toddlers going through a difficult transition. To finally get the child I have been praying for for a decade, only to have him want nothing to do with me was hard. I kept reminding myself that the connection would come. We will have him for the rest of his life and Daddy was going back to work. He would learn to trust me soon. That is already happening. Our general experience and learning on toddler development is that small children need to learn to trust and love before they can do much else. Toddlers stick with their safety zone (a parent), especially in unfamiliar settings. The secure ones will explore their environment, then return to contact with their safety zone for a recharge before going back out again. With our other two children, I was the primary safety zone. With Kailey, I was the only safety zone. That is a role I am comfortable in. Greg, not so much. It is a very demanding roll that requires immense patience and a level of tolerance of goo.

What we did to help Elijah start to learn to trust me too was to have me be his source of food. The theory was, if he sees me as his source of food, he will begin to see me as his source of other things as well. We let him stay with his rock as needed. When we pushed his safety zone and insisted someone else hold him, we paid for it. We have learned just to let him feel safe and move out on his own. At the playground yesterday, there were a whole lot of people there. Elijah gripped tightly on to Greg and was not happy to be set down. He did not feel safe there yet. We let him remain in Greg’s arms until he told us he wanted to get down. Then he would play and return to Greg, and then play some more and return to Greg. It was classic. Last night at dinner, he put his arms up to me to pick up…from Greg’s lap. We looked at the light show together. It will be interesting to see how this relationship continues to develop over the next 48 hours as we head home, and then transition to his new home.

Greg and goo is a funny thing. Moms of toddlers tend to be dotted with various toddler donated decorations. Greg is the one who is the recipient of this decoration right now. We have these “Nutritional Biscuits” that Elijah likes to snack on. I’m not really sure what they are, but they look like a sugar cookie and are very fortified with various vitamins. I do not think they have much sugar in them, but then, my Chinese isn’t very good either. Kailey liked them; Justin gave it back to me after one bite. Greg has now said he will not touch Elijah while eating one any more since they create such a lovely beige goo. Elijah has had a runny nose since we got him, so that has to be dealt with. Greg has changed most of the diapers and done most of the potty trips. You should have seen the look on his face when I mentioned cloth diapers at home to facilitate the potty training! I think Greg has grown some in dealing with way more drool, runny noses, and mushy food than he ever has before! He still hates it, though.

It has been a time of growth and a shifting of roles for all of us. We have had to rely on God as we take on new jobs. Greg asked me to remind him of the Fruits of the Spirit at times when he is dealing with Elijah (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.) Good things for all of us to remember and exhibit as we parent. So now we tell each other to get Fruity.

Well, I need to wake the guys up. We need to eat breakfast and pack. We have to check out of the hotel by noon, leave for the consulate at 2:15, and prepare to leave for home. We were planning to take the train, but all the tickets were gone by the time we tried to buy them. It worked out though (doesn’t it always when God is involved?) We are able to take a shuttle van that will drop us off near our hotel. The trip takes an hour longer but leaves an hour sooner and is half the price of the train. We should get to Hong Kong by 10 pm tonight. We will then sleep in a hotel in Kowloon. Tomorrow morning, we will take the Airport Express metro train to the airport, then fly home. Oh, I cannot wait!

I don’t know that we will have anymore computer access until we reach home, so pray for safe travel for us, please! I’ll update when we are stateside Saturday evening.